“This will fix me.”

I understand what you mean…That sigh of relief when you get the medication you need when you are sick. That rush of excitement when you see the person who interests you. That extra-credit assignment that brings your grade up to a B. Right?

“This will fix me…this will fix me…”

It will help you in certain areas, yes. But what about the overall you?

“I’ll find other things to fix those areas…I will be better then.”

What if those other things don’t work?

“They will…they will…”

What if you are unfixable?

“You’re dumb. Of course I can be fixed. Jerk.”

No, I didn’t mean you’re a hopeless cause. Just…what if you’re not supposed to be fixed?

“What AM I supposed to be, then?”

Well…

“Because whatever it is, I’m sure not it right now.”

Listen, what if you’re not supposed to be fixed.

“Then why should I even try anymore…gee thanks.”

What if…What if you’re supposed to be redeemed?

“That’s the same thing as fixed.”

Well, yes and no. You will be WELL, but you won’t be perfect. Being redeemed doesn’t erase who you are, but it gives you hope.

“I wouldn’t need hope if I was fixed.”

But redemption gives you hope AND joy…and life. What would it be like to live, still imperfect, but completely and utterly covered? Not just…’fixed.’

“You make it sound like an insurance plan.”

Haha, that’s true. But really…what if it’s not about being ‘fixed’ at all? What if it’s about something richer, deeper…being redeemed?

“That sounds hard. I can control whether I’m fixed or not.”

But what if you can’t fix everything? What if you can’t fix the pain, the loneliness, the hurt? What if you simply CAN’T do it? What if everything you try eventually fails. Friendships fail…Families fall apart…self-will dries up…drugs suck your life away…what if we can’t fix it. What if we can’t…

What if…what if we are unfixable?

…What if redemption is our only hope?

An Emotional Trip to the Dentist

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." -C.S. Lewis

I've made really hard decisions in my life.

I've also avoided making really hard decisions in my life, because I'm afraid they will hurt...

I've put myself down, locked myself up, denied myself adventures because they are outside the "comfortable."

I've stayed in relationships and friendships with people because I was afraid of the hurt that would come if I tried to take a step back, even though I knew they weren't healthy to be around.

I've "gone along" with things because I was afraid saying "No" would mean the same as saying "Hurt and reject me."

I've been terrified of life and death--because I've been terrified of pain.

This is not a healthy fear. Y'know, some fears can be healthy and protect you--like being afraid of a wildly rushing river can help you not drown--but some can really just be paralyzing.

I remember a few years back, when I was making the transition to college and had to completely rebuild my life. Relationships, friendships, decisions, mindsets, all of it. I honestly didn't think I could do it...I was afraid to be healthy because I didn't want to hurt (myself and others).

Then one day I got tired of living in fear...so I took a baby step to change. It hurt like Ech-Ee-double hockey sticks when I was walking through it, I'll be honest. But then, things were better.

It amazed me! Really, it still amazes me. Simply stepping out of that fear of pain and being willing to RISK the hurt for a better outcome...folks, it works.

Especially if you have God at your side.

It's taken a few years, but I've banished most of that fear of pain to the desert of "I Don't Have to Be Afraid." Life is so much more...free! Lovely, brilliant, beautiful, spontaneous.

Pain will happen, yes. But we DON'T have to anticipate it!

If you think that pain is going to jump out and bite you every five minutes, you'll be waiting for it. You may even be whistling for it to come running at you...because that's simply what you expect it to do. (I've been there). Then, when you do get hurt you say "Oh, I knew that was going to happen. I always get hurt."

We all get hurt. That's true. But as I've been learning, we cannot let the fear of pain control our lives. YOU have the option to let it paralyze you, or to make decisions to move forward EVEN IF it involves confronting pain teeth-on.

And it helps to have faith there to help you through.

"There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love." -1 John 4:18 (The Message)

Transitions

Well, I haven't posted in a while...life has been very busy.

Things are changing, friends, and I feel like I've been through the spin cycle on a washing machine.

It's been hitting me that my childhood years are coming to a close, which is a silly thing to think now, I know.
"I'm 20 years old, I haven't been a kid for a while right?"

Well, it's a funny thing...because truly the only life I have known is one where I was young.

I was born young (weren't we all), I grew up young, made decisions young...I have only lived life as a young person.

I'm not quite so young anymore, and it amazes me that I'm aware of that.

It's like I can see from an outside perspective that my life is changing.

I'm hitting forks in the road like a car in the parking lot of an exploded Italian restaurant.

Friends are getting married, I'm halfway through my time at college, I have a real (really wonderful) relationship, I'm already thinking about a place to live after school, a future career...

A life that is not so "young" anymore.

It scares the living lightbulbs out of me, and I've had a really rough time surrendering my childhood.

But now, I think it's time to move on.

Sometimes we all want to be Peter Pan; stay trapped in a life where there is no need to grow old. However, I always felt the slightest bit sorry for those lost boys...they may fight pirates and swim with mermaids, but they will always miss the biggest adventure of all...living life.

This is my new adventure: to live a full and abundant life, rich with experiences and memories that will never go away, no matter how old I get.

May I always remember my childhood, but not live it. May I learn and grow from it, and no matter what, may I always view life with the same energy and passion that I do now. May that be my "youth" that survives in this journey.

And may my Savior be there every step of the way.

To infinity and beyond!!

Logically Emotional, Isn't That Right?

I had a wonderful evening.

Just about laughed my insides out at dinner with friends, played games for an awesome gal's birthday, and then just relaxed in God's word.

I also had the opportunity to share my "story" so to speak, with someone I already trust. I haven't known them that long, but I just trust them. We talked for hours, and I had prayed earlier about how much to share or how open I should be, but I feel that everything that was said was said at the right time. My story is safe in their hands.

I also had my first lesson in how to dance. (Or how to follow at least. This was my favorite part of today). Hopefully, there will be more lessons!

This person, though nameless for now, will probably never understand how deeply touched I was by their listening ear tonight, and for the spiritual companionship I needed right at that moment.

I know there are many winds blowing me toward paths that twist out of sight, but I also know that God will never fail to provide for my needs in so many more ways than I can imagine.

I pray for many more rich evenings in this beautiful place.

Sparks

Life is beautiful here.

Even on the days when it seems like it's a bad day...there are people here who lift me up. Encourage me. People who are talented at simply being my friend.

I'm in love.

With the kind of beauty that intoxicates my unmade memories already, before I've even had the chance to introduce myself.

This place, these people, this experience I'm living in...There is not one moment when I feel lacking in something.

I am always challenged here.

I am always called to be a better person here.

I'm surrounded by people, and in some of them I can see an absolutely stunning reflection of their souls.

I am always busy with something, be it work or socializing.

I'm doing all these things, and I can feel my spirit breathing more freely (even at 8,000 ft), for one reason.

I did something terrifying.

And my life is changed forever.

Three.

So.

I’ve been looking back at my past relationships recently. I’m not entirely sure why, but I feel like it’s a process that God is leading me through.

I know for a fact that every guy I have dated God placed in my life for a REASON in order to teach me something.

Now, I’m not saying that this is an excuse to serial date. Hecks no.

I’ve always felt a little bit conflicted when I looked back on those relationships wondering to myself: “Why would I feel like it was the right thing to date them at the time, if the relationships were only going to fail? Why did God lead me through heartbreak if it was avoidable?”

Ah, perhaps the heartbreak was avoidable.

But then…the guitar hero fests would have been avoidable. As would the first kiss under the stars. Feeling invited into a family. Having someone stick with you for more than a week. Falling in the closest thing to love there is…I would never have discovered what my struggles were, I would have never learned how to stand up for myself, I would never have had to confront my sins head on…I had to turn to God when I it all crashed down and I couldn’t breathe. I had to turn to find out who should truly be on the pedestal.

I had to learn to let go.

The music would have been avoidable too. I would have never learned how to see rain dancing in my own eyes. I would have never learned that I am cherishable…that I am beautiful. I would have never shared my poetry…I would have never seen that it is possible to pursue God first while still caring about someone else. You don’t have to compromise your faith to fall in the closest thing to love. I wouldn’t give one night walking in the rain, one night looking at the city lights, one moment listening to his guitar, one ungiven kiss, to avoid the end of it all. And then I learned that sometimes, God leads them elsewhere. And when you work for months just trying to resolve in your mind why it ended…you just need to step back.

I had to learn to let go.

Maybe I could have avoided the sarcasm, the bitterness left behind by my last relationship. It stings in my veins when I see his joy crumbling…and I cannot fix it. I had to learn that, above all. I cannot fix everyone. They are not mine to fix.Yes, I could have loved him…but I still feel like it was the right thing to step back. It crushed me, but I trust that it was for the best. I see immense potential in him that he tries to hide from even himself. He treated me well, he respectedme and my wishes above all else. I learned that it’s all right to laugh in a relationship. It’s all right to not take yourself too seriously. I learned that it doesn’t matter what other people think. I learned that there are some things I will never understand about people, and that the guy I’m with does not have a responsibility to fix me. And I would not go back in time to stop myself from being with him. He loved what I loved…He inspired me to do the things I love, and I enjoyed planning moments for us to share. I learned that a relationship is not about two extremely different people trying to connect, but about two people who don’t have to work to connect. It just…happens. I wish I could explain to him that he didn’t do anything wrong, but again…

I had to learn to let go.

I still respect all of these men, though some have treated me better after it ended than others…And to be honest, I’ve stopped asking God why He led me through the heartbreak of these relationships. I can see why.

I’ve become a better person because of them, and these guys will always have a special part of my heart that they get to keep. They will each marry some stunning girl in the future, and I will call her lucky. Because they will love her more than they ever loved me, and I was given a glimpse of the softest parts of their hearts.

And ladies, the hearts of those men are precious.

Now I feel like God is telling me to stop dating, which is difficult because I occasionally see random guys and think that maybe, I can make my future happen sooner.

I know that there is one guy...one man out there who was created to love me. I'm not dating, I'm waiting. I'm living as God calls me, and I know that when the two of us meet, it will just...be.

But, as always, I’m being taught to let go.

And I am joyful.

Mentally Rearranging

So I've had to do some mental rearranging the past few days.

It's like exercise...gotta constantly be working at it. Focusing on the right thing, giving it up to God, Letting it go...it takes some work at first!

Good thing: it gets easier.

Once upon a time I had a crush on a boy, and then I found out he liked one of my best friends.

Shoot! I was jealous and sad...double whammy rejection. (I wonder if God let it come back to bite me so I could see how it feels when it's reflected back on me).

I tried to ignore it, laugh it away. Then yesterday it hit me really hard...and I realized that I had to face it head-on.

So I turned it over in my mind, waited for her to say something, felt lonely and frustrated, and took a nap.

Then I woke up, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was making a big deal out of it.

(Girl codes are crazy)

So I moved around the furniture in my brain. Man, those couches were heavy.

But it was the right first step to letting it go.

Then I had an epiphany last night.

I'm fiercely protective of this girl and I don't want her to get hurt, and I thought to myself: "Wait a second, how could I not approve of her going out with a guy that I had seen so many good traits in?"

Frankly, I'm not sure I would let her go out with anyone less.

I liked him so much, and I realized that all of those attractive things I had seen would be focused on her...if anything were to happen, I know he would be kind to her.

It's an odd thought I know...breaks all girl codes.

So now all my mental furniture is moved around, though there are still a few odds-and-ends that could be switched on the mantle.

And I'm tired.

I've still gotta enjoy being single, and I know that whoever God has for me out there will be super awesome.

And maybe I'll be the one that catches his eye.

Well...Now What?

I actually couldn't finish a poem on the first try tonight...

I just can't make all the words say what I mean; it's not coming out entirely the way I want it to.

I guess my feelings are more difficult to process than I think they are...

Lord, guard my heart.

Twitterpated

Ah, Spring.

The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing, the girls at CCU are man-hunting...'tis the season.

I've always thought that Valentine's Day should be closer to springtime.

Today I thought I'd take it upon myself to describe Springtime giddyness in a few carefully chosen words:

It's like...

Butterfly kisses on the breeze that tickle the back of your neck.

Tender bubbles that flip around in your tummy when you see that "someone."

The aroma of lilacs and apple blossoms.

Smiling for no reason, or just because the sun is shining.

A gentle melody that gets stuck in your head, and you don't quite mind.

Blushing cheeks and flower petals.

Green sunlight that plays hide-and-seek with your freckles.

Burying your face into a bouquet of sweet memories.

Capturing new moments like firefly sparks.

I love spring.

I always forget how wonderful it is...and this spring has been, somehow, extra twitterful.

Somebody get me flowers before I make a silly fool of myself.

It's Too Late to Write a Blog Post

Yeah. It's 2:30 in the AM.

When has that ever stopped me from saying things?

I guess I just wanted to express my gratefulness for the life I have been given.

How comfortable I am with what God has blessed me with, and how trusting I am of Him to provide for my needs as life continues.

It's nice when you like being in your own skin.

Nice to know who you are...who you were created by...how much you are loved.

And it's nice to have other people who seem to like you just for who you are.

I couldn't express enough how much my heart overflows--because of my Savior and the blessings I've been given in my life.

I am happy.

But more than that, I am joyful.

Frennns.

I saw a flash of sunlight in a smile.

Weird right? Nah...

I'll explain. Let's just say that yesterday I had a day where I got to see the best and worst of people.

I made some decisions about who I should be spending my time with, and I was disappointed and infuriated by someone I know other people think is amazing. You wouldn't think he was if you knew what he said...trust me.

Do not spend time with people who bring you down, or speak badly about your friends. They will not help you grow in your faith...love them, but don't spend extended amounts of time with them.

Like that phrase says, "You are who you hang out with." Or something like that.

And then the good ones come along. The friends that have always stuck by you, and the friends God blesses you with at the last moment. The friends who will stay up late talking when you really need it, play card games with you, make you cookies, square dance with you, leave notes on your phone, and let you watch loud movies on their TV.

It's in those friends--the ones that radiate the joy of the Lord--where you truly see that God has blessed you.

I saw a flash of sunlight in a smile.

And then I remembered what kind of friend I want to be.

Making Sense of Things (special appearance by Moses!)

1 Corinthians 1:27

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

I dig this verse.

I actually laughed out loud (lol'd) for real when I first read it.

It makes a lot of sense when we look at pieces of the Old Testament...

GOD: Hey Moses, take this big ol staff.

MOSES: Cool! Do I get to whack people with it??

GOD: No...but if you hold it up in the air all day, Joshua will win the battle against the Amalekites.

MOSES: ...Um, ok. I guess I'll just go...and hold it in the air...all day long...

GOD: Cool. Have fun! Oh, and bring Aaron and Hur with you, just in case, y'know, your arms get tired or anything.

(Loosely paraphrased from Exodus 17)

How silly must Moses have looked? Standing at the top of a hill, holding a staff above his head?

...But it worked.

Looking back at that verse from Corinthians: "God uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise."

This is so we don't get big heads folks.

God could've swept down and smited (smote? smoted? whatever.) all of the Amalekites in one bolt of lightning.

Why didn't He do that? I mean, people would have been like "Whoa! God!" But He didn't. He told some guy with a speech impediment to stand on a hill holding a big stick above his head all day.

This is to show HIS power. His undeniable power.

If God always used things people think are "wise" or "cool" (which He does I'm sure), then we could always rationalize it away.

We could use OUR intellect to make sense of it.

The lightning was just a coincidence. It's Colorado. There's always weird weather here anyway.

Sometimes, God's not about making sense.

He's about being God.

Using silly things to win battles. (He can do that, since He's God and all.)

So, don't be surprised if it seems like God is doing foolish things in your life. If He starts using unexpected things to prove Himself to you.

He's just doing His thing.

And reminding you that you don't have all the answers.

But He does.

Dear You,

I don't know who you are, but I know that if I write this we will have some pretty cool stuff to talk about when we meet. So I'm writing it.

God's put you on my heart, and I pray for you so much. Why should I keep convincing myself that it's crazy to dream of you like I do sometimes? Nah, it's not crazy. Why should I call my Lord crazy if he puts you on my heart?

< This is you 3 (Inside my heart. Ha.)

Hmm, where to start?

Well, first off, I am super stoked to tell jokes with you. They may not always be funny, but we will laugh anyway. Just so we can hear the harmony in the air.

I know that we will have tough times too...times of sadness and stagnation in life that will be hard to deal with. But I also know that by working through them, we will only become stronger in our faith and in our love.

Cause golly, I know I'll love the boogers outta you.

But that's not the focus right now. I don't even know you yet, so I am gracefully confined to praying for your well-being and your heart.

I pray for you as I pray for my own soul.

Be strong! Like I know you are strong.

Trust in the Lord your God with every fiber of your being, and continue to strive toward following His will for you.

Guard your heart, and keep your eyes on things of beauty and holiness.

Keep a smile on your face and a glow in your heart, but remember that it's not weak to show weakness. It only makes you human my dear...and you are not called to be perfect. Only faithful.

Keep your faith, hold fast to it because we both know that it's the only way to live.

Don't worry about tomorrow, and don't give up on dreams.

I have so much faith in you. How cool is it to think that someone out there that you've never met believes in you?

Maybe you believe in me too...

May you live your life in the love story of our God, as our own prologue continues.

I am,

Yours.

Love.

What does it mean to love?

I've "fallen in love."

Bashed my head against it, really.

I've been told "I love you" in the context of a relationship.

I've told others "I love you" in that context too.

And when I've said that, I've meant it as much as humanly possible.

But I've yet to BE in love...in a love that transcends what's humanly possible. In a love that involves not only myself, but also a God that wraps us in Love all-encompassing.

That kind of love doesn't just come around once a week. Which is how it's supposed to be anyway...something worth waiting for. Something that will be so much neater than anything you could try to imagine.

I still try to imagine anyway...

As I get older, the little part of my soul that belongs only to him starts becoming more noticeable. There's a low hum of loneliness that starts echoing through my ears if I focus on it.

So I try not to focus on it.

There are a few characteristics that I know for certain that he will have. Call me crazy, but I just know. It's not something I've thought up, like "oh that would be cool." No, I just know...and I cling to those little pieces of knowledge. And pray over them every time I think about him.

And I pray over him. That he will find his strength in the One who gives it freely. That he will continue living his life in the direction God leads him. And that he will continue searching for me, as I search for him.

Cause at this point, my heart is not on the market for anyone but him anymore.

The fact that I'm even writing this makes it all the more real. That I'm not in the "dating game" anymore...that I'm actually just waiting for the one I'll BE in love with.

Ooh. Scary.

But the funny thing is, it makes life so much easier! Once you set your mind on God and the fact that He has an amazing future planned for you, you don't have to TRY to work out your own life anymore. You can just LIVE it. Have awesome friends who are Godly men and not think "oh hey, I could date them I bet." It's SO MUCH BETTER THIS WAY.

Plus, by not giving my heart away, I'm falling more in love with my future him every day. And I don't even know who he will turn out to be...all I know is he will be my best friend. And we will laugh more than preschoolers with playdoh.

It's all in God's hands, His timing. I'm done looking, trying to "find" love with my own efforts.

Cause when we finally find each other, it will be by none of my own doing. And totally worth the wait. Worth all the effort, all the tough times, all the good times...all the laughter and all the tears.

All the lonely nights when you're up at two just kind of pondering it all.

And it'll be Love.

I Have Stuff to Say...Yay

It's 1:17 AM.

And I'm blogging. Oh well, I can't help it I suppose. When you gotta blog, you gotta blog.

There are a lot of things I wish I could say...and there are just two people that I want to say them to.

Person 1: I get it now. I'll leave you alone.

Person 2: I wish that things could be ok between us, but sometimes things aren't.

Now that you're all hooked in because there are secrets involved...guess what.

I'm probably not going to tell either of those persons those things.

It's not necessary, and I must be discerning and understand that sometimes trying to say something can do more harm than good. I made them intentionally vague, so I could still write this blog. So unless you are one of said persons and just happen to be good with vagueness, you won't figure out who they are.

But then, what do I do when I desperately want to say those things, and they are going to explode inside me if I don't do something??

I have a cool privilege. I can take them to God.

And we can talk it out, and He will understand. Understand why I want to say them, why they can't be said, and what to say instead.

If I say anything at all...

That is one of the coolest things about having a God that loves me. He's interested in all my little problems, and they don't ever weigh Him down.

He's God. He can handle it. He wants to handle it.

So I can keep my big I-mess-stuff-up-by-talking-when-I-shouldn't-mouth shut, and pray for those people to be healthy, happy, and know that they are worthy to be loved. Cause they are, and I do want the best for them, and everyone I know.

So, in conclusion, if you have problems, I recommend taking them to God.

Even the little lame ones.

He can handle them...heck, He just wants to talk to you.

I'm gonna go take my own advice.

Oh, and if you see Person 1 or Person 2 around, tell them that they are loved.

Ordinaryishisness

I'm terrified to be ordinary.

The thought occurred to me last night as I was trekking home from work. I was craning my neck to look at the veiled moon overhead, and I was lost in introvert-ness. So much so, that I almost tripped over my own feet.

I had seen my wonderful mother earlier in the day, and we had talked about everything...life, God, dreams...

I don't know what my dream is.

She asked me what I am afraid of, and I replied with a shrug. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew she was right. I am afraid of something...something formless that crouches in the back of my mind like a transparent shadow. It's there, but I hadn't taken any notice of it up to that point.

So there I was, walking along with that silly smile that tends to stick on my face when life is beautiful, and then WHAM.

It was the teeniest, tiniest thought, which bloomed into a sudden realization. Almost as if the Divine had whispered it in my ear--I couldn't have thought of it on my own.

I'm terrified to be ordinary.

Not that I want to be famous, heavens no. I just don't want to let my life silently slip by. I have this odd feeling that I'm called to greater things than I know about yet...

This is my dream. To see all I can, do all I can, experience all I can in this short life I get. Share my Savior and do what I love.

And if people take notice, that's cool too. I mean, I'm not opposed to a little attention.

Ha...ok but really that's not the point.

I'm going to live, and I'm going to do it to the fullest.

Mom told me that this summer I have to do something scary. Totally out of my comfort zone, epic awesomeness, terrifying.

I'm doing some research...

I'm just an artist who doesn't know what medium to use...I don't understand what my passions are yet, or how to use them.

But isn't it funny, that my fear of being ordinary could have driven me to being exactly that. Too scared to start looking for passions or searching for God's will for my life.

Even if I end up "ordinary" according to the world's standards, I'll know that I did all I could to live life and follow my Lord.

That sounds pretty extraordinary to me.

I'm aware that I'm single today, but that's ok!

Ahh Valentines Day.

I feel like if I didn't blog today, I would be condemned to the anti-climactic halls of monotony.

...I don't know what I just said either.

My English teacher was talking today about love, and it was eerie how much her words echoed the thoughts that have been tumbling around in my little mind.

"Don't run from the fact that you want to be in love and get married...don't think that because you're a Christian you somehow have to run in the opposite direction and think that it's bad to have that longing. Give God the desires of your heart, and then just enjoy every moment of being single."

AMEN sister.

God knows all the intimate desires of my dainty lil heart.

I don't have to deny that I want to fall in love, and it's all right that I want to! But I also don't need to dwell on it, because He's got to have a few more things fall in place first right?

Nonetheless, today was kinda hard, especially when I was struck with all the sweet things guys had done to show their girls that they care. Mmm...ouch. Who gave loneliness that sharp stick?

I want that sweetness...I assume every girl does, but I only know my own heart.

So I still want it.

I have so much to give, But I know I gotsta wait.

I'm excited to see what God does with these desires, and I know it will be cool. But I also know that this time He's given me is cool too.

I vow to enjoy every moment.

Even the bittersweet ones.

Happy Valentines Day everyone. <3

I think you're all wonderful.

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!!

Life is all about questions.

Questions, and compassion.

There are a few things that I very firmly believe, and this is one of them:

Don't be afraid to question.

Having doubts is normal human behavior. Worrying just kind of happens, whether we want it to or not. Now most of those we have to release and give them up to God. We can't bear them on our shoulders, and if we try...it's exhausting.

But having questions means that you're longing to know truth.

I have a few (absolutely wonderful, amazing, bestever) friends right now who are going through a time when nothing seems to make sense, and they have so many questions.

I admire them.

They inspire me to ask my own questions...

Never be afraid to question things. However, when you question, attempt to do it in good faith. Try not to question in anger or with the goal of knocking things down. (I do realize this is unavoidable sometimes. I haven't forgotten I'm human too. If I had, you shouldn't listen to me).

Test to find truth, and you will receive an answer. Whip out those questions--let your curiosity lead you to cool knowledge. Let your brokenness lead you to healing.

I think questioning is one of the neatest abilities we have as humans. It leads to new discoveries, and it is a protection from things that may hurt us.

Why do you think they test water for impurities?

If they just served it up to you a-la-swamp, you would probably get sick.

Questioning avoids blind faith.

Even God pointed out that it's OK to ask questions. (Gasp omgoshnesstheBibleissocool)

"Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it."

Malachi 3:10b

Why would God stop us from questioning Him? Our questions only provide Him an opportunity to show how faithful and limitless He is.

God's not afraid of our questions.

Why should I be?

8 1/2 Steps to Make it Through the Moderately-Worst Day of Your Life

Here's my most recent article for SUSIE magazine.

N'joy!

(I'll post it on Facebook but I'm still fasting from visiting it!)

8 ½ Steps to Make it Through the Moderately-Worst Day of Your Life.

We all have those days. When life is just awful, and we want to punch things (preferably soft, un-injuring things). Some bad days creep up on us unexpectedly, and sometimes they launch themselves at our faces first thing in the morning. But I’ve discovered a few things that can help you get through the moderately-worst day of your life. So follow me, ‘cause I’ve made a list!

1) Breathe.

If you stop breathing…well, that’s a problem. This first step is kind of vital to the rest of them. Recognize that no matter what the day has thrown at you so far, you are still breathing. You still exist, and will exist past this bad day. The bad day is just trapped inside itself in that little box on the calendar. Breathe deep, and relish it.

2) Put one foot in front of the other

At least you’re moving. Sometimes that’s the only thing we can do to get through the day. Just keep taking one step at a time. Even if it seems like they’re little itty-bitty baby steps, they are steps. They are taking you a step further from the moderate awfulness of the day.

Step 2 ½ ) On the flip side, sometimes we need to just stop and sit. Crawl into God’s lap while the world spins around us. It really depends on the circumstances of the day, and what would be most healing for our hearts. And sometimes getting through involves both stepping and sitting. Resting in the love of the Lord and then getting up and taking a few steps, then resting some more. A continual process, and nothing to be ashamed of.

3) Shut out negative thoughts

These are what can turn a kinda-bad day into an awful one. The minute you start thinking “Oh this happened, now what if this other worse thing happens? And then this even more worse-er thing happens? And then…” That’s it. You’re caught in a vicious cycle. Moderately bad things happen to us every day, but it’s the amount of recognition that we give them that determines how much they affect us. Stay positive as much as possible!

4) Don’t focus on it.

So, today is not so great. Wanna know something? It’s only a day. Just one, out of the 365 of them we get each year. Distract yourself in God’s word. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 is a great verse to lean on: “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Bad days happen, but after they are over that’s just it. They are over. Don’t give a bad day more recognition that it deserves, because it doesn’t deserve any. Stupid bad days.

5) Find encouragement.

Focus on this rather than the bad day. And you can find encouragement in a ton of places! Hey, the Bible is full of it (check out Psalms)! Good friends, parents, Dove chocolates…go find support that you can lean on. Encouragement is such a key to getting through a bad day, even if you’re the one doing the encouraging for yourself. I believe in you, and I would reach out there and give you a hug right now if I could. So you should believe in you too. Be encouraged!

6) Stay away from negative impacts

On the flip side, don’t go searching for things that just make you feel good. There is a difference between seeking support, and seeking something to make it all go away. Beware of addictions especially. (Yes, Facebook counts as an addiction). Encouragement is all about saying “Hey, this happened, but you are strong and can make it even in the stupid days.” Addictions whisper “Hey, c’mere and I can make you forget.” Don’t do it dear friends…because ultimately it’s not about forgetting. It’s about getting through—learning how to handle life as it comes.

7) Control your attitude

Even on days when absolutely nothing is going your way, and you even watched your toast walk off the plate and jump to the ground butter-side-down, there is something you can control. You. Your outlook, your attitude and your level of optimism. Anyone familiar with the TV show The Office might remember the quote that Andy made after he came back from anger management: “Cool. I can’t control what you do, I can only control what I do.” Granted, he also wanted people to call him Drew, but that’s beside the point. You can determine that you will take the day in stride, and make it out on the other side. Hey, you might even make it out smiling.

8) Let it go.

The last step, and most important conclusion to a bad day. Let it end. It will be over in 24 hours, and when it’s over let it be over. Tomorrow is a new day, don’t anticipate that it will be a worse day (see step 3). Remember that scripture from Matthew 6:34? “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Bad days are bad, and they come visit us occasionally. It may even feel like frequently, but we can survive them. If you are struggling with some really hard issues, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone and say “I seem to be having bad days back-to-back, can you help me out?” That’s why we have pastors, counselors, mentors and doctors. Because sometimes it’s more than just the moderately-worst day. But when it’s only a bad day try the steps above, and know that there’s someone out there rooting for you.

Aixelysd

I’m so frustrated with everything right now.

I don’t know why.

Well actually I do know one reason, so I’ll whine about it.

I keep spelling my words inside out or completely backwards. It’s so frustrating when you’re trying to write an article and can’t even get the words right.

For exsample tsih is what my sentences are lokging like right about now without going back ot edti them. GAH.

I was sitting next to my friend Lauren in class today and she is a witness.

I wrote in pencil all day just in case.

I erased a lot.

Words are my power and my passion, when I can't get them to cooperate with me I think it makes the rest of life more stressful. I'm a control freak, but I've recently been learining (haha) LEARNING that it's ok to let go and let God. He's better at handling everything...

But words I can control...and it frustrates me when my brain's not working right enough to control them.

It seems like a silly thing when I go back and read this post, but it makes me realize how the little things can really get to us if we let them.

Guess I'll be doing some praying tonight.

Maybe i'll wriet a page of nonesnense without giong back to werid (WOW that was supposed to be edit) and see how finnue (Funny) that turns out.

Comfy like Marshmallow Pillows

I really don't have anything to say tonight.

I just feel like writing.

It's like, word therapy.

Often times I feel like I'm going to be sick if I don't sit down right away and write a poem...anything I write for myself is unedited, spontaneous, and real.

(Note, this does not include research papers.)

So I was just sitting here feeling like I was going to succumb to above sickness, when these two little birds flew into my window and said I should post on my blog.

It's dark outside, and my window is closed. So it was weird.

Anywhoo.

A lot of the time I feel like it doesn't even matter if I write. No one really reads it, and I'm not exceptionally talented--I just kinda write what comes to me.

But then I remember that it doesn't matter if anyone reads it, I write for me.

Words are my tools, I can bend them into intricate expressions with simply the strength of my will and a keyboard (or pen). It really takes no effort to create breath between the letters, and it's such a comfortable feeling.

But sometimes words fail me, and that's when it gets real confusing 'round here.

Things that are infinitely confusing to me often are the hardest to express with my words...

Things like:

Love.

Loneliness.

Direction.

Hurt.

Calculus.

I understand pieces of Love, know the ache of loneliness, search constantly for direction, weep with hurt, and well...I hate math.

Something's happening in my life. I just know it...something big. It's not like I know something's coming...something is ALREADY happening. Some process that I'm being led through. It's wonderful, but it's lonely.

Not like I'm alone though...Talking with my closest friends always soothes my soul. Even if we're just talking about the weather.

But there's something about writing...about throwing up letters on this little space, and they all just happen to make sense.

Don't mind me, I'm just leaving a piece of my heart on the page.

Twistie Ties.

I don't have any homework tonight.

I'm glad. My brain is too twisted to try and think straight.

So I've come to my little safe honest box to try and sort it out.

Oh look, you're here too! Hi! Well, I guess I can share it with you if you want.

I'll make it as vague as I can.

I hate miscommunication...I found out that one of my friends and I had a major one last night. And it's thrown me into a funk today...Yippee.

If I was short with you, I honestly didn't mean anything by it, I was just thinking too hard. I try to hide it cause I love all you guys and don't want to hurt you ever.

Well anyway, it wasn't so much of a miscommunication as a...well, I don't know.

See why my brain is twisted?

Grr. I'm frustrated with my words. If I was lame I would stop the post here.

I'll try my best not to be lame.

All I know is this...

1) I don't understand.

I thought I did, but now I don't, and I don't know why I thought I did if I didn't, or why I don't know if I really did before.

Yeah.

It's a lonely place here in my noodle brain today.

2) God is good.

I have to trust in that...hope in that...believe in that.

He will always be here to hold me when I can't think straight. He's proven that before...

I miss my friend to be sure. Because this may push us pretty dang far apart and/or damage our friendship. But if I truly care about them and where God is taking them in their life...

I'll trust that everything is where it's supposed to be. Everything always is...I think.

Even if it feels wonky for today.

Ok well, that's it I guess.

If You Never Read Any Other Post Ever...

I've never been so in love.

"OMG this post is totally about a boy!! eeeee!!"

I bet that's what you're thinking. And you're not all wrong...

But if I explain to you what I really mean, promise you won't judge ok?

Ok.

So it always used to freak me out a little bit when people would say they were in love with Jesus.

Oh gosh, now it's a post about faith.

Yeah yeah yeah. But don't check out your brains just yet...Promise?

But for real, it did used to freak me out. And it still does to some extent, because I'm not actually in love with Sir Jesus, a real-life person who bakes me cookies and hugs me and stuff.

No, I'm just in love with the one who saved my life.

It's not very much to give back on my end of things...

I'll break it down into the logical steps I took when I became a Christian. Ya? I mean this is my blog, so I can write whatever I want. So there!

Logic wins out every time. This is what happened to me:

1) There is nothing on this entire planet that won't let me down. Everything is fallible, everything reaches a point where it can't live up to your expectations. Everything will suck at some point.

2) It's not enough for me to be "good." I suck at it. I hated when I found that out.

3) I have an ache deep down in my heart that I can't define or recognize as anything other than what it is...an ache. A gaping, bleeding, hole in the core of my being.

4) If I have nothing to live for, why do I live?

Now inevitably, this led me to a point of well, why do I live? What is there to live for if there is nothing that won't suck? But I decided that I still wanted to live (Very badly. I will never be comfortable even entertaining the thought of the other option. Don't you either. I won't let you.)

5) What do I live for? What gives me hope? What is there out there...?

Nothing.

There was nothing...everything I turned to to give me hope was falling apart.

I had the perfect boyfriend for over a year...he let me down and broke my heart...

I watched families and marriages disintegrate before my eyes...

Things I attempted would fall apart at the seams...

My friends would hurt me...

I would screw up something yet again...

I was exhausted. I was tired of looking for hope when everything seemed so dang messed up.

I had no hope.

6) I have no hope. Again I'm back to what do I live for?

If there is no hope...there is no life.

Again, unacceptable. But spiraled me into a confusion so great I can't hardly put it into words. **note, this would be the poetic point, so ask me to write a poem for you about it later**

Then, I decided to become five years old again.

7) I used to believe God was my hope. Maybe I should give it another shot.

BANG.

Well, not really. It was more like...creepcreepcreepcreep.

A process of days and months and years of seeking after a faith I could hold on to.

But guess what?

It didn't let me down.

When I dipped a little pinky toe into the pool, it didn't disappoint me. So I stuck my foot in. It was still warm. Before I knew it I was up to my ankles and then my knees...

Heck I'm drowning in it now.

And MY FAITH has yet to let me down.

In fact, the whole point of having faith is that you are never let down about it, because it has proven to you that you can trust it. You can put all your dinosaurs in its basket (or is it eggs?) and trust that they will not be hurt. That's what faith is...Believing because you know deep down it exists.

Logically.

And truthfully.

8) Well then, now I gotta live it out.

Step 8 has probably been the most difficult one of all...because it's a daily thing.

It's billions of tiny baby steps packed into one overarching GIANT STEP.

Gosh it's hard.

And guess what? The world it not all peachy.

A lot of those little baby steps involve stepping in doo-doo. And it's disgusting.

My heart has been broken by a boy (a few)...again.

I've believed in people, and they let me down...again

I've been backstabbed, hurt, afraid, exhausted with life...again.

But I'm never exhausted in my faith. That would mean that I'm doing something to sustain my state of "saved-ness," which I don't have to.

I am saved by Grace.

Cool. It's the most relaxing feeling ever...OMG trust me. So logically of course I would keep running to the thing that refreshes me.

Otherwise, why would I live?

I could rant about this for ever and ever and ever...but I'll stop there for now.

Any and all of this post I can go into detail with if you would like, my dear friends. The complete and utter awfully suckfest parts, or the redeeming, joyful, and totallyworthit parts.

My journey continues every day.

And I've never been more in love with each day.

PS: And just so you're not disappointed, when I fall in love with my boy I'll write a blog about that too. ;)

<3