Aixelysd

I’m so frustrated with everything right now.

I don’t know why.

Well actually I do know one reason, so I’ll whine about it.

I keep spelling my words inside out or completely backwards. It’s so frustrating when you’re trying to write an article and can’t even get the words right.

For exsample tsih is what my sentences are lokging like right about now without going back ot edti them. GAH.

I was sitting next to my friend Lauren in class today and she is a witness.

I wrote in pencil all day just in case.

I erased a lot.

Words are my power and my passion, when I can't get them to cooperate with me I think it makes the rest of life more stressful. I'm a control freak, but I've recently been learining (haha) LEARNING that it's ok to let go and let God. He's better at handling everything...

But words I can control...and it frustrates me when my brain's not working right enough to control them.

It seems like a silly thing when I go back and read this post, but it makes me realize how the little things can really get to us if we let them.

Guess I'll be doing some praying tonight.

Maybe i'll wriet a page of nonesnense without giong back to werid (WOW that was supposed to be edit) and see how finnue (Funny) that turns out.

Comfy like Marshmallow Pillows

I really don't have anything to say tonight.

I just feel like writing.

It's like, word therapy.

Often times I feel like I'm going to be sick if I don't sit down right away and write a poem...anything I write for myself is unedited, spontaneous, and real.

(Note, this does not include research papers.)

So I was just sitting here feeling like I was going to succumb to above sickness, when these two little birds flew into my window and said I should post on my blog.

It's dark outside, and my window is closed. So it was weird.

Anywhoo.

A lot of the time I feel like it doesn't even matter if I write. No one really reads it, and I'm not exceptionally talented--I just kinda write what comes to me.

But then I remember that it doesn't matter if anyone reads it, I write for me.

Words are my tools, I can bend them into intricate expressions with simply the strength of my will and a keyboard (or pen). It really takes no effort to create breath between the letters, and it's such a comfortable feeling.

But sometimes words fail me, and that's when it gets real confusing 'round here.

Things that are infinitely confusing to me often are the hardest to express with my words...

Things like:

Love.

Loneliness.

Direction.

Hurt.

Calculus.

I understand pieces of Love, know the ache of loneliness, search constantly for direction, weep with hurt, and well...I hate math.

Something's happening in my life. I just know it...something big. It's not like I know something's coming...something is ALREADY happening. Some process that I'm being led through. It's wonderful, but it's lonely.

Not like I'm alone though...Talking with my closest friends always soothes my soul. Even if we're just talking about the weather.

But there's something about writing...about throwing up letters on this little space, and they all just happen to make sense.

Don't mind me, I'm just leaving a piece of my heart on the page.

Twistie Ties.

I don't have any homework tonight.

I'm glad. My brain is too twisted to try and think straight.

So I've come to my little safe honest box to try and sort it out.

Oh look, you're here too! Hi! Well, I guess I can share it with you if you want.

I'll make it as vague as I can.

I hate miscommunication...I found out that one of my friends and I had a major one last night. And it's thrown me into a funk today...Yippee.

If I was short with you, I honestly didn't mean anything by it, I was just thinking too hard. I try to hide it cause I love all you guys and don't want to hurt you ever.

Well anyway, it wasn't so much of a miscommunication as a...well, I don't know.

See why my brain is twisted?

Grr. I'm frustrated with my words. If I was lame I would stop the post here.

I'll try my best not to be lame.

All I know is this...

1) I don't understand.

I thought I did, but now I don't, and I don't know why I thought I did if I didn't, or why I don't know if I really did before.

Yeah.

It's a lonely place here in my noodle brain today.

2) God is good.

I have to trust in that...hope in that...believe in that.

He will always be here to hold me when I can't think straight. He's proven that before...

I miss my friend to be sure. Because this may push us pretty dang far apart and/or damage our friendship. But if I truly care about them and where God is taking them in their life...

I'll trust that everything is where it's supposed to be. Everything always is...I think.

Even if it feels wonky for today.

Ok well, that's it I guess.

If You Never Read Any Other Post Ever...

I've never been so in love.

"OMG this post is totally about a boy!! eeeee!!"

I bet that's what you're thinking. And you're not all wrong...

But if I explain to you what I really mean, promise you won't judge ok?

Ok.

So it always used to freak me out a little bit when people would say they were in love with Jesus.

Oh gosh, now it's a post about faith.

Yeah yeah yeah. But don't check out your brains just yet...Promise?

But for real, it did used to freak me out. And it still does to some extent, because I'm not actually in love with Sir Jesus, a real-life person who bakes me cookies and hugs me and stuff.

No, I'm just in love with the one who saved my life.

It's not very much to give back on my end of things...

I'll break it down into the logical steps I took when I became a Christian. Ya? I mean this is my blog, so I can write whatever I want. So there!

Logic wins out every time. This is what happened to me:

1) There is nothing on this entire planet that won't let me down. Everything is fallible, everything reaches a point where it can't live up to your expectations. Everything will suck at some point.

2) It's not enough for me to be "good." I suck at it. I hated when I found that out.

3) I have an ache deep down in my heart that I can't define or recognize as anything other than what it is...an ache. A gaping, bleeding, hole in the core of my being.

4) If I have nothing to live for, why do I live?

Now inevitably, this led me to a point of well, why do I live? What is there to live for if there is nothing that won't suck? But I decided that I still wanted to live (Very badly. I will never be comfortable even entertaining the thought of the other option. Don't you either. I won't let you.)

5) What do I live for? What gives me hope? What is there out there...?

Nothing.

There was nothing...everything I turned to to give me hope was falling apart.

I had the perfect boyfriend for over a year...he let me down and broke my heart...

I watched families and marriages disintegrate before my eyes...

Things I attempted would fall apart at the seams...

My friends would hurt me...

I would screw up something yet again...

I was exhausted. I was tired of looking for hope when everything seemed so dang messed up.

I had no hope.

6) I have no hope. Again I'm back to what do I live for?

If there is no hope...there is no life.

Again, unacceptable. But spiraled me into a confusion so great I can't hardly put it into words. **note, this would be the poetic point, so ask me to write a poem for you about it later**

Then, I decided to become five years old again.

7) I used to believe God was my hope. Maybe I should give it another shot.

BANG.

Well, not really. It was more like...creepcreepcreepcreep.

A process of days and months and years of seeking after a faith I could hold on to.

But guess what?

It didn't let me down.

When I dipped a little pinky toe into the pool, it didn't disappoint me. So I stuck my foot in. It was still warm. Before I knew it I was up to my ankles and then my knees...

Heck I'm drowning in it now.

And MY FAITH has yet to let me down.

In fact, the whole point of having faith is that you are never let down about it, because it has proven to you that you can trust it. You can put all your dinosaurs in its basket (or is it eggs?) and trust that they will not be hurt. That's what faith is...Believing because you know deep down it exists.

Logically.

And truthfully.

8) Well then, now I gotta live it out.

Step 8 has probably been the most difficult one of all...because it's a daily thing.

It's billions of tiny baby steps packed into one overarching GIANT STEP.

Gosh it's hard.

And guess what? The world it not all peachy.

A lot of those little baby steps involve stepping in doo-doo. And it's disgusting.

My heart has been broken by a boy (a few)...again.

I've believed in people, and they let me down...again

I've been backstabbed, hurt, afraid, exhausted with life...again.

But I'm never exhausted in my faith. That would mean that I'm doing something to sustain my state of "saved-ness," which I don't have to.

I am saved by Grace.

Cool. It's the most relaxing feeling ever...OMG trust me. So logically of course I would keep running to the thing that refreshes me.

Otherwise, why would I live?

I could rant about this for ever and ever and ever...but I'll stop there for now.

Any and all of this post I can go into detail with if you would like, my dear friends. The complete and utter awfully suckfest parts, or the redeeming, joyful, and totallyworthit parts.

My journey continues every day.

And I've never been more in love with each day.

PS: And just so you're not disappointed, when I fall in love with my boy I'll write a blog about that too. ;)

<3

Will You Be Content in That?

So today in Literature class I actually learned something.

I know right?

We read a story by Henry James titled The Beast in the Jungle. Basically, it's a story about this guy who spends his entire life obsessing over "the horrible thing" that he thinks is going to happen to him. He befriends a woman who pretty much centers her entire life around being with him to talk about the horrible thing.

She drops so many hints that she's into him, but he never gets it.

Boys.

You should know that you always have to tell them straight out if you dig them...they tend not to get hints.

But anyway, she ends up getting some horrible disease, and she dies. And he is sad that he lost someone to talk about the horrible thing with.

BUT

It takes him hanging out at the cemetery and seeing another man in grief about losing his wife that he finally realizes...

The "horrible thing" that he always felt would happen to him ended up being just this...

Nothing.

Nothing happened to him.

He did not allow himself to fall in love with the woman, his best friend, who was always there for him. He did not enjoy every moment of his life, because he was too focused on something in the future.

It consumed him.

How often do we do this in our faith? And I'm not trying to make this into a floofy faith conversation.

Like, seriously. How often do we spend our whole lives sitting in a puddle, saying, "God I know someday You will turn this puddle into a lake!"

And I'm not trying to say that He won't do just that.

But there is a difference between having faith and dreams (which are great and super awesome! Keep them!), and centering your whole life on something that you might not actually be called to.

God gives us EACH DAY to live. Not just some distant day in the future when you are famous. You won't start living then. YOU ARE LIVING NOW.

If you miss those days, and then end up being 100 years old looking back on your life...what will you have to look back on?

I'll just leave you with this...

**What if God is entrusting you with the mission of loving today, before he can give you something epic in the future?

**What if God is calling you to be the most influential person in the world, but you never receive recognition for it?

We are ALL called to live EVERY DAY like we are living for Him. And chances are, we won't become famous for it.

Will you still be content with that?

All My Best Thoughts Happen at 2 AM

Ok well, that might not be entirely true.

Midnight is pretty good thinking time too.

Ha no but really...I promise I DO have something to say.

I'M PUBLISHED GUYS!!!

Ok other than that, how about life changes yeah? That seems like a good topic to hit on for tonight.

Let's just say, there are so many EPIC AWESOME RANDOM CRAZY SCARY HAPPY SAD STUPID and BRILLIANT choices that have presented themselves in the last month or so, that I've been forced to cling to my Bible and garish pink highlighter for dear life.

But I'm not complaining about that. I recently told someone something that I realized the other day...when we are smacked in the face with struggles, it only pushes us closer to our Savior and His love.

Sweet! When life sucks I'm gonna be grateful!

(I think Paul mentioned something like that somewhere in the Bible. I think I paraphrased...a lot.)

My own choices may have included:

School

Friendships

A Boy

the Future

Careers

Missions

Kittens in Party Hats

Responsibilities

My Own Outlook

And gosh darn it the choices just keep coming...

I can tell you right now it was because of one day about a month ago.

One.

Singular.

Day.

When I went to God and said, "Hey there God. My life feels uncomfortable because I'm trying to control it. You wanna, y'know, take the reigns? That'd be great. Thanks."

BAM.

Well I asked for it...

God even told us if we ask Him for stuff He's gonna give it.

So I've had a TON of blessings suddenly laid at my feet,

and I screwed up.

And then there were MORE blessings that I couldn't believe,

and I screwed up again (dang).

Right now I'm soaking in blessings again, and praying to God that I don't screw it up (which I will, and I've just gotta accept it)!

But I've got my little leather-bound book of Scripture here. I bought it a few weeks ago and we've been inseparable. Scripture is really what does it guys...what keeps you solid.

Scripture, strong Christian friends, and a positive outlook.

So I'm gonna embrace these choices head-on, and see where life goes from here. Heck, I'll probably meet more choices along the way.

Sheesh.

Without my Lord I would be a wreck.

And I'd probably make the wrong choice about those Kittens in Party Hats.