Three.

So.

I’ve been looking back at my past relationships recently. I’m not entirely sure why, but I feel like it’s a process that God is leading me through.

I know for a fact that every guy I have dated God placed in my life for a REASON in order to teach me something.

Now, I’m not saying that this is an excuse to serial date. Hecks no.

I’ve always felt a little bit conflicted when I looked back on those relationships wondering to myself: “Why would I feel like it was the right thing to date them at the time, if the relationships were only going to fail? Why did God lead me through heartbreak if it was avoidable?”

Ah, perhaps the heartbreak was avoidable.

But then…the guitar hero fests would have been avoidable. As would the first kiss under the stars. Feeling invited into a family. Having someone stick with you for more than a week. Falling in the closest thing to love there is…I would never have discovered what my struggles were, I would have never learned how to stand up for myself, I would never have had to confront my sins head on…I had to turn to God when I it all crashed down and I couldn’t breathe. I had to turn to find out who should truly be on the pedestal.

I had to learn to let go.

The music would have been avoidable too. I would have never learned how to see rain dancing in my own eyes. I would have never learned that I am cherishable…that I am beautiful. I would have never shared my poetry…I would have never seen that it is possible to pursue God first while still caring about someone else. You don’t have to compromise your faith to fall in the closest thing to love. I wouldn’t give one night walking in the rain, one night looking at the city lights, one moment listening to his guitar, one ungiven kiss, to avoid the end of it all. And then I learned that sometimes, God leads them elsewhere. And when you work for months just trying to resolve in your mind why it ended…you just need to step back.

I had to learn to let go.

Maybe I could have avoided the sarcasm, the bitterness left behind by my last relationship. It stings in my veins when I see his joy crumbling…and I cannot fix it. I had to learn that, above all. I cannot fix everyone. They are not mine to fix.Yes, I could have loved him…but I still feel like it was the right thing to step back. It crushed me, but I trust that it was for the best. I see immense potential in him that he tries to hide from even himself. He treated me well, he respectedme and my wishes above all else. I learned that it’s all right to laugh in a relationship. It’s all right to not take yourself too seriously. I learned that it doesn’t matter what other people think. I learned that there are some things I will never understand about people, and that the guy I’m with does not have a responsibility to fix me. And I would not go back in time to stop myself from being with him. He loved what I loved…He inspired me to do the things I love, and I enjoyed planning moments for us to share. I learned that a relationship is not about two extremely different people trying to connect, but about two people who don’t have to work to connect. It just…happens. I wish I could explain to him that he didn’t do anything wrong, but again…

I had to learn to let go.

I still respect all of these men, though some have treated me better after it ended than others…And to be honest, I’ve stopped asking God why He led me through the heartbreak of these relationships. I can see why.

I’ve become a better person because of them, and these guys will always have a special part of my heart that they get to keep. They will each marry some stunning girl in the future, and I will call her lucky. Because they will love her more than they ever loved me, and I was given a glimpse of the softest parts of their hearts.

And ladies, the hearts of those men are precious.

Now I feel like God is telling me to stop dating, which is difficult because I occasionally see random guys and think that maybe, I can make my future happen sooner.

I know that there is one guy...one man out there who was created to love me. I'm not dating, I'm waiting. I'm living as God calls me, and I know that when the two of us meet, it will just...be.

But, as always, I’m being taught to let go.

And I am joyful.