"OMG this post is totally about a boy!! eeeee!!"
I bet that's what you're thinking. And you're not all wrong...
But if I explain to you what I really mean, promise you won't judge ok?
Ok.
So it always used to freak me out a little bit when people would say they were in love with Jesus.
Oh gosh, now it's a post about faith.
Yeah yeah yeah. But don't check out your brains just yet...Promise?
But for real, it did used to freak me out. And it still does to some extent, because I'm not actually in love with Sir Jesus, a real-life person who bakes me cookies and hugs me and stuff.
No, I'm just in love with the one who saved my life.
It's not very much to give back on my end of things...
I'll break it down into the logical steps I took when I became a Christian. Ya? I mean this is my blog, so I can write whatever I want. So there!
Logic wins out every time. This is what happened to me:
1) There is nothing on this entire planet that won't let me down. Everything is fallible, everything reaches a point where it can't live up to your expectations. Everything will suck at some point.
2) It's not enough for me to be "good." I suck at it. I hated when I found that out.
3) I have an ache deep down in my heart that I can't define or recognize as anything other than what it is...an ache. A gaping, bleeding, hole in the core of my being.
4) If I have nothing to live for, why do I live?
Now inevitably, this led me to a point of well, why do I live? What is there to live for if there is nothing that won't suck? But I decided that I still wanted to live (Very badly. I will never be comfortable even entertaining the thought of the other option. Don't you either. I won't let you.)
5) What do I live for? What gives me hope? What is there out there...?
Nothing.
There was nothing...everything I turned to to give me hope was falling apart.
I had the perfect boyfriend for over a year...he let me down and broke my heart...
I watched families and marriages disintegrate before my eyes...
Things I attempted would fall apart at the seams...
My friends would hurt me...
I would screw up something yet again...
I was exhausted. I was tired of looking for hope when everything seemed so dang messed up.
I had no hope.
6) I have no hope. Again I'm back to what do I live for?
If there is no hope...there is no life.
Again, unacceptable. But spiraled me into a confusion so great I can't hardly put it into words. **note, this would be the poetic point, so ask me to write a poem for you about it later**
Then, I decided to become five years old again.
7) I used to believe God was my hope. Maybe I should give it another shot.
BANG.
Well, not really. It was more like...creepcreepcreepcreep.
A process of days and months and years of seeking after a faith I could hold on to.
But guess what?
It didn't let me down.
When I dipped a little pinky toe into the pool, it didn't disappoint me. So I stuck my foot in. It was still warm. Before I knew it I was up to my ankles and then my knees...
Heck I'm drowning in it now.
And MY FAITH has yet to let me down.
In fact, the whole point of having faith is that you are never let down about it, because it has proven to you that you can trust it. You can put all your dinosaurs in its basket (or is it eggs?) and trust that they will not be hurt. That's what faith is...Believing because you know deep down it exists.
Logically.
And truthfully.
8) Well then, now I gotta live it out.
Step 8 has probably been the most difficult one of all...because it's a daily thing.
It's billions of tiny baby steps packed into one overarching GIANT STEP.
Gosh it's hard.
And guess what? The world it not all peachy.
A lot of those little baby steps involve stepping in doo-doo. And it's disgusting.
My heart has been broken by a boy (a few)...again.
I've believed in people, and they let me down...again
I've been backstabbed, hurt, afraid, exhausted with life...again.
But I'm never exhausted in my faith. That would mean that I'm doing something to sustain my state of "saved-ness," which I don't have to.
I am saved by Grace.
Cool. It's the most relaxing feeling ever...OMG trust me. So logically of course I would keep running to the thing that refreshes me.
Otherwise, why would I live?
I could rant about this for ever and ever and ever...but I'll stop there for now.
Any and all of this post I can go into detail with if you would like, my dear friends. The complete and utter awfully suckfest parts, or the redeeming, joyful, and totallyworthit parts.
My journey continues every day.
And I've never been more in love with each day.
PS: And just so you're not disappointed, when I fall in love with my boy I'll write a blog about that too. ;)
<3
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