Dear You,

I don't know who you are, but I know that if I write this we will have some pretty cool stuff to talk about when we meet. So I'm writing it.

God's put you on my heart, and I pray for you so much. Why should I keep convincing myself that it's crazy to dream of you like I do sometimes? Nah, it's not crazy. Why should I call my Lord crazy if he puts you on my heart?

< This is you 3 (Inside my heart. Ha.)

Hmm, where to start?

Well, first off, I am super stoked to tell jokes with you. They may not always be funny, but we will laugh anyway. Just so we can hear the harmony in the air.

I know that we will have tough times too...times of sadness and stagnation in life that will be hard to deal with. But I also know that by working through them, we will only become stronger in our faith and in our love.

Cause golly, I know I'll love the boogers outta you.

But that's not the focus right now. I don't even know you yet, so I am gracefully confined to praying for your well-being and your heart.

I pray for you as I pray for my own soul.

Be strong! Like I know you are strong.

Trust in the Lord your God with every fiber of your being, and continue to strive toward following His will for you.

Guard your heart, and keep your eyes on things of beauty and holiness.

Keep a smile on your face and a glow in your heart, but remember that it's not weak to show weakness. It only makes you human my dear...and you are not called to be perfect. Only faithful.

Keep your faith, hold fast to it because we both know that it's the only way to live.

Don't worry about tomorrow, and don't give up on dreams.

I have so much faith in you. How cool is it to think that someone out there that you've never met believes in you?

Maybe you believe in me too...

May you live your life in the love story of our God, as our own prologue continues.

I am,

Yours.

Love.

What does it mean to love?

I've "fallen in love."

Bashed my head against it, really.

I've been told "I love you" in the context of a relationship.

I've told others "I love you" in that context too.

And when I've said that, I've meant it as much as humanly possible.

But I've yet to BE in love...in a love that transcends what's humanly possible. In a love that involves not only myself, but also a God that wraps us in Love all-encompassing.

That kind of love doesn't just come around once a week. Which is how it's supposed to be anyway...something worth waiting for. Something that will be so much neater than anything you could try to imagine.

I still try to imagine anyway...

As I get older, the little part of my soul that belongs only to him starts becoming more noticeable. There's a low hum of loneliness that starts echoing through my ears if I focus on it.

So I try not to focus on it.

There are a few characteristics that I know for certain that he will have. Call me crazy, but I just know. It's not something I've thought up, like "oh that would be cool." No, I just know...and I cling to those little pieces of knowledge. And pray over them every time I think about him.

And I pray over him. That he will find his strength in the One who gives it freely. That he will continue living his life in the direction God leads him. And that he will continue searching for me, as I search for him.

Cause at this point, my heart is not on the market for anyone but him anymore.

The fact that I'm even writing this makes it all the more real. That I'm not in the "dating game" anymore...that I'm actually just waiting for the one I'll BE in love with.

Ooh. Scary.

But the funny thing is, it makes life so much easier! Once you set your mind on God and the fact that He has an amazing future planned for you, you don't have to TRY to work out your own life anymore. You can just LIVE it. Have awesome friends who are Godly men and not think "oh hey, I could date them I bet." It's SO MUCH BETTER THIS WAY.

Plus, by not giving my heart away, I'm falling more in love with my future him every day. And I don't even know who he will turn out to be...all I know is he will be my best friend. And we will laugh more than preschoolers with playdoh.

It's all in God's hands, His timing. I'm done looking, trying to "find" love with my own efforts.

Cause when we finally find each other, it will be by none of my own doing. And totally worth the wait. Worth all the effort, all the tough times, all the good times...all the laughter and all the tears.

All the lonely nights when you're up at two just kind of pondering it all.

And it'll be Love.

I Have Stuff to Say...Yay

It's 1:17 AM.

And I'm blogging. Oh well, I can't help it I suppose. When you gotta blog, you gotta blog.

There are a lot of things I wish I could say...and there are just two people that I want to say them to.

Person 1: I get it now. I'll leave you alone.

Person 2: I wish that things could be ok between us, but sometimes things aren't.

Now that you're all hooked in because there are secrets involved...guess what.

I'm probably not going to tell either of those persons those things.

It's not necessary, and I must be discerning and understand that sometimes trying to say something can do more harm than good. I made them intentionally vague, so I could still write this blog. So unless you are one of said persons and just happen to be good with vagueness, you won't figure out who they are.

But then, what do I do when I desperately want to say those things, and they are going to explode inside me if I don't do something??

I have a cool privilege. I can take them to God.

And we can talk it out, and He will understand. Understand why I want to say them, why they can't be said, and what to say instead.

If I say anything at all...

That is one of the coolest things about having a God that loves me. He's interested in all my little problems, and they don't ever weigh Him down.

He's God. He can handle it. He wants to handle it.

So I can keep my big I-mess-stuff-up-by-talking-when-I-shouldn't-mouth shut, and pray for those people to be healthy, happy, and know that they are worthy to be loved. Cause they are, and I do want the best for them, and everyone I know.

So, in conclusion, if you have problems, I recommend taking them to God.

Even the little lame ones.

He can handle them...heck, He just wants to talk to you.

I'm gonna go take my own advice.

Oh, and if you see Person 1 or Person 2 around, tell them that they are loved.

Ordinaryishisness

I'm terrified to be ordinary.

The thought occurred to me last night as I was trekking home from work. I was craning my neck to look at the veiled moon overhead, and I was lost in introvert-ness. So much so, that I almost tripped over my own feet.

I had seen my wonderful mother earlier in the day, and we had talked about everything...life, God, dreams...

I don't know what my dream is.

She asked me what I am afraid of, and I replied with a shrug. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew she was right. I am afraid of something...something formless that crouches in the back of my mind like a transparent shadow. It's there, but I hadn't taken any notice of it up to that point.

So there I was, walking along with that silly smile that tends to stick on my face when life is beautiful, and then WHAM.

It was the teeniest, tiniest thought, which bloomed into a sudden realization. Almost as if the Divine had whispered it in my ear--I couldn't have thought of it on my own.

I'm terrified to be ordinary.

Not that I want to be famous, heavens no. I just don't want to let my life silently slip by. I have this odd feeling that I'm called to greater things than I know about yet...

This is my dream. To see all I can, do all I can, experience all I can in this short life I get. Share my Savior and do what I love.

And if people take notice, that's cool too. I mean, I'm not opposed to a little attention.

Ha...ok but really that's not the point.

I'm going to live, and I'm going to do it to the fullest.

Mom told me that this summer I have to do something scary. Totally out of my comfort zone, epic awesomeness, terrifying.

I'm doing some research...

I'm just an artist who doesn't know what medium to use...I don't understand what my passions are yet, or how to use them.

But isn't it funny, that my fear of being ordinary could have driven me to being exactly that. Too scared to start looking for passions or searching for God's will for my life.

Even if I end up "ordinary" according to the world's standards, I'll know that I did all I could to live life and follow my Lord.

That sounds pretty extraordinary to me.

I'm aware that I'm single today, but that's ok!

Ahh Valentines Day.

I feel like if I didn't blog today, I would be condemned to the anti-climactic halls of monotony.

...I don't know what I just said either.

My English teacher was talking today about love, and it was eerie how much her words echoed the thoughts that have been tumbling around in my little mind.

"Don't run from the fact that you want to be in love and get married...don't think that because you're a Christian you somehow have to run in the opposite direction and think that it's bad to have that longing. Give God the desires of your heart, and then just enjoy every moment of being single."

AMEN sister.

God knows all the intimate desires of my dainty lil heart.

I don't have to deny that I want to fall in love, and it's all right that I want to! But I also don't need to dwell on it, because He's got to have a few more things fall in place first right?

Nonetheless, today was kinda hard, especially when I was struck with all the sweet things guys had done to show their girls that they care. Mmm...ouch. Who gave loneliness that sharp stick?

I want that sweetness...I assume every girl does, but I only know my own heart.

So I still want it.

I have so much to give, But I know I gotsta wait.

I'm excited to see what God does with these desires, and I know it will be cool. But I also know that this time He's given me is cool too.

I vow to enjoy every moment.

Even the bittersweet ones.

Happy Valentines Day everyone. <3

I think you're all wonderful.

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!!

Life is all about questions.

Questions, and compassion.

There are a few things that I very firmly believe, and this is one of them:

Don't be afraid to question.

Having doubts is normal human behavior. Worrying just kind of happens, whether we want it to or not. Now most of those we have to release and give them up to God. We can't bear them on our shoulders, and if we try...it's exhausting.

But having questions means that you're longing to know truth.

I have a few (absolutely wonderful, amazing, bestever) friends right now who are going through a time when nothing seems to make sense, and they have so many questions.

I admire them.

They inspire me to ask my own questions...

Never be afraid to question things. However, when you question, attempt to do it in good faith. Try not to question in anger or with the goal of knocking things down. (I do realize this is unavoidable sometimes. I haven't forgotten I'm human too. If I had, you shouldn't listen to me).

Test to find truth, and you will receive an answer. Whip out those questions--let your curiosity lead you to cool knowledge. Let your brokenness lead you to healing.

I think questioning is one of the neatest abilities we have as humans. It leads to new discoveries, and it is a protection from things that may hurt us.

Why do you think they test water for impurities?

If they just served it up to you a-la-swamp, you would probably get sick.

Questioning avoids blind faith.

Even God pointed out that it's OK to ask questions. (Gasp omgoshnesstheBibleissocool)

"Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it."

Malachi 3:10b

Why would God stop us from questioning Him? Our questions only provide Him an opportunity to show how faithful and limitless He is.

God's not afraid of our questions.

Why should I be?

8 1/2 Steps to Make it Through the Moderately-Worst Day of Your Life

Here's my most recent article for SUSIE magazine.

N'joy!

(I'll post it on Facebook but I'm still fasting from visiting it!)

8 ½ Steps to Make it Through the Moderately-Worst Day of Your Life.

We all have those days. When life is just awful, and we want to punch things (preferably soft, un-injuring things). Some bad days creep up on us unexpectedly, and sometimes they launch themselves at our faces first thing in the morning. But I’ve discovered a few things that can help you get through the moderately-worst day of your life. So follow me, ‘cause I’ve made a list!

1) Breathe.

If you stop breathing…well, that’s a problem. This first step is kind of vital to the rest of them. Recognize that no matter what the day has thrown at you so far, you are still breathing. You still exist, and will exist past this bad day. The bad day is just trapped inside itself in that little box on the calendar. Breathe deep, and relish it.

2) Put one foot in front of the other

At least you’re moving. Sometimes that’s the only thing we can do to get through the day. Just keep taking one step at a time. Even if it seems like they’re little itty-bitty baby steps, they are steps. They are taking you a step further from the moderate awfulness of the day.

Step 2 ½ ) On the flip side, sometimes we need to just stop and sit. Crawl into God’s lap while the world spins around us. It really depends on the circumstances of the day, and what would be most healing for our hearts. And sometimes getting through involves both stepping and sitting. Resting in the love of the Lord and then getting up and taking a few steps, then resting some more. A continual process, and nothing to be ashamed of.

3) Shut out negative thoughts

These are what can turn a kinda-bad day into an awful one. The minute you start thinking “Oh this happened, now what if this other worse thing happens? And then this even more worse-er thing happens? And then…” That’s it. You’re caught in a vicious cycle. Moderately bad things happen to us every day, but it’s the amount of recognition that we give them that determines how much they affect us. Stay positive as much as possible!

4) Don’t focus on it.

So, today is not so great. Wanna know something? It’s only a day. Just one, out of the 365 of them we get each year. Distract yourself in God’s word. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 is a great verse to lean on: “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Bad days happen, but after they are over that’s just it. They are over. Don’t give a bad day more recognition that it deserves, because it doesn’t deserve any. Stupid bad days.

5) Find encouragement.

Focus on this rather than the bad day. And you can find encouragement in a ton of places! Hey, the Bible is full of it (check out Psalms)! Good friends, parents, Dove chocolates…go find support that you can lean on. Encouragement is such a key to getting through a bad day, even if you’re the one doing the encouraging for yourself. I believe in you, and I would reach out there and give you a hug right now if I could. So you should believe in you too. Be encouraged!

6) Stay away from negative impacts

On the flip side, don’t go searching for things that just make you feel good. There is a difference between seeking support, and seeking something to make it all go away. Beware of addictions especially. (Yes, Facebook counts as an addiction). Encouragement is all about saying “Hey, this happened, but you are strong and can make it even in the stupid days.” Addictions whisper “Hey, c’mere and I can make you forget.” Don’t do it dear friends…because ultimately it’s not about forgetting. It’s about getting through—learning how to handle life as it comes.

7) Control your attitude

Even on days when absolutely nothing is going your way, and you even watched your toast walk off the plate and jump to the ground butter-side-down, there is something you can control. You. Your outlook, your attitude and your level of optimism. Anyone familiar with the TV show The Office might remember the quote that Andy made after he came back from anger management: “Cool. I can’t control what you do, I can only control what I do.” Granted, he also wanted people to call him Drew, but that’s beside the point. You can determine that you will take the day in stride, and make it out on the other side. Hey, you might even make it out smiling.

8) Let it go.

The last step, and most important conclusion to a bad day. Let it end. It will be over in 24 hours, and when it’s over let it be over. Tomorrow is a new day, don’t anticipate that it will be a worse day (see step 3). Remember that scripture from Matthew 6:34? “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Bad days are bad, and they come visit us occasionally. It may even feel like frequently, but we can survive them. If you are struggling with some really hard issues, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone and say “I seem to be having bad days back-to-back, can you help me out?” That’s why we have pastors, counselors, mentors and doctors. Because sometimes it’s more than just the moderately-worst day. But when it’s only a bad day try the steps above, and know that there’s someone out there rooting for you.