Three.

So.

I’ve been looking back at my past relationships recently. I’m not entirely sure why, but I feel like it’s a process that God is leading me through.

I know for a fact that every guy I have dated God placed in my life for a REASON in order to teach me something.

Now, I’m not saying that this is an excuse to serial date. Hecks no.

I’ve always felt a little bit conflicted when I looked back on those relationships wondering to myself: “Why would I feel like it was the right thing to date them at the time, if the relationships were only going to fail? Why did God lead me through heartbreak if it was avoidable?”

Ah, perhaps the heartbreak was avoidable.

But then…the guitar hero fests would have been avoidable. As would the first kiss under the stars. Feeling invited into a family. Having someone stick with you for more than a week. Falling in the closest thing to love there is…I would never have discovered what my struggles were, I would have never learned how to stand up for myself, I would never have had to confront my sins head on…I had to turn to God when I it all crashed down and I couldn’t breathe. I had to turn to find out who should truly be on the pedestal.

I had to learn to let go.

The music would have been avoidable too. I would have never learned how to see rain dancing in my own eyes. I would have never learned that I am cherishable…that I am beautiful. I would have never shared my poetry…I would have never seen that it is possible to pursue God first while still caring about someone else. You don’t have to compromise your faith to fall in the closest thing to love. I wouldn’t give one night walking in the rain, one night looking at the city lights, one moment listening to his guitar, one ungiven kiss, to avoid the end of it all. And then I learned that sometimes, God leads them elsewhere. And when you work for months just trying to resolve in your mind why it ended…you just need to step back.

I had to learn to let go.

Maybe I could have avoided the sarcasm, the bitterness left behind by my last relationship. It stings in my veins when I see his joy crumbling…and I cannot fix it. I had to learn that, above all. I cannot fix everyone. They are not mine to fix.Yes, I could have loved him…but I still feel like it was the right thing to step back. It crushed me, but I trust that it was for the best. I see immense potential in him that he tries to hide from even himself. He treated me well, he respectedme and my wishes above all else. I learned that it’s all right to laugh in a relationship. It’s all right to not take yourself too seriously. I learned that it doesn’t matter what other people think. I learned that there are some things I will never understand about people, and that the guy I’m with does not have a responsibility to fix me. And I would not go back in time to stop myself from being with him. He loved what I loved…He inspired me to do the things I love, and I enjoyed planning moments for us to share. I learned that a relationship is not about two extremely different people trying to connect, but about two people who don’t have to work to connect. It just…happens. I wish I could explain to him that he didn’t do anything wrong, but again…

I had to learn to let go.

I still respect all of these men, though some have treated me better after it ended than others…And to be honest, I’ve stopped asking God why He led me through the heartbreak of these relationships. I can see why.

I’ve become a better person because of them, and these guys will always have a special part of my heart that they get to keep. They will each marry some stunning girl in the future, and I will call her lucky. Because they will love her more than they ever loved me, and I was given a glimpse of the softest parts of their hearts.

And ladies, the hearts of those men are precious.

Now I feel like God is telling me to stop dating, which is difficult because I occasionally see random guys and think that maybe, I can make my future happen sooner.

I know that there is one guy...one man out there who was created to love me. I'm not dating, I'm waiting. I'm living as God calls me, and I know that when the two of us meet, it will just...be.

But, as always, I’m being taught to let go.

And I am joyful.

Mentally Rearranging

So I've had to do some mental rearranging the past few days.

It's like exercise...gotta constantly be working at it. Focusing on the right thing, giving it up to God, Letting it go...it takes some work at first!

Good thing: it gets easier.

Once upon a time I had a crush on a boy, and then I found out he liked one of my best friends.

Shoot! I was jealous and sad...double whammy rejection. (I wonder if God let it come back to bite me so I could see how it feels when it's reflected back on me).

I tried to ignore it, laugh it away. Then yesterday it hit me really hard...and I realized that I had to face it head-on.

So I turned it over in my mind, waited for her to say something, felt lonely and frustrated, and took a nap.

Then I woke up, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was making a big deal out of it.

(Girl codes are crazy)

So I moved around the furniture in my brain. Man, those couches were heavy.

But it was the right first step to letting it go.

Then I had an epiphany last night.

I'm fiercely protective of this girl and I don't want her to get hurt, and I thought to myself: "Wait a second, how could I not approve of her going out with a guy that I had seen so many good traits in?"

Frankly, I'm not sure I would let her go out with anyone less.

I liked him so much, and I realized that all of those attractive things I had seen would be focused on her...if anything were to happen, I know he would be kind to her.

It's an odd thought I know...breaks all girl codes.

So now all my mental furniture is moved around, though there are still a few odds-and-ends that could be switched on the mantle.

And I'm tired.

I've still gotta enjoy being single, and I know that whoever God has for me out there will be super awesome.

And maybe I'll be the one that catches his eye.

Well...Now What?

I actually couldn't finish a poem on the first try tonight...

I just can't make all the words say what I mean; it's not coming out entirely the way I want it to.

I guess my feelings are more difficult to process than I think they are...

Lord, guard my heart.

Twitterpated

Ah, Spring.

The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing, the girls at CCU are man-hunting...'tis the season.

I've always thought that Valentine's Day should be closer to springtime.

Today I thought I'd take it upon myself to describe Springtime giddyness in a few carefully chosen words:

It's like...

Butterfly kisses on the breeze that tickle the back of your neck.

Tender bubbles that flip around in your tummy when you see that "someone."

The aroma of lilacs and apple blossoms.

Smiling for no reason, or just because the sun is shining.

A gentle melody that gets stuck in your head, and you don't quite mind.

Blushing cheeks and flower petals.

Green sunlight that plays hide-and-seek with your freckles.

Burying your face into a bouquet of sweet memories.

Capturing new moments like firefly sparks.

I love spring.

I always forget how wonderful it is...and this spring has been, somehow, extra twitterful.

Somebody get me flowers before I make a silly fool of myself.

It's Too Late to Write a Blog Post

Yeah. It's 2:30 in the AM.

When has that ever stopped me from saying things?

I guess I just wanted to express my gratefulness for the life I have been given.

How comfortable I am with what God has blessed me with, and how trusting I am of Him to provide for my needs as life continues.

It's nice when you like being in your own skin.

Nice to know who you are...who you were created by...how much you are loved.

And it's nice to have other people who seem to like you just for who you are.

I couldn't express enough how much my heart overflows--because of my Savior and the blessings I've been given in my life.

I am happy.

But more than that, I am joyful.

Frennns.

I saw a flash of sunlight in a smile.

Weird right? Nah...

I'll explain. Let's just say that yesterday I had a day where I got to see the best and worst of people.

I made some decisions about who I should be spending my time with, and I was disappointed and infuriated by someone I know other people think is amazing. You wouldn't think he was if you knew what he said...trust me.

Do not spend time with people who bring you down, or speak badly about your friends. They will not help you grow in your faith...love them, but don't spend extended amounts of time with them.

Like that phrase says, "You are who you hang out with." Or something like that.

And then the good ones come along. The friends that have always stuck by you, and the friends God blesses you with at the last moment. The friends who will stay up late talking when you really need it, play card games with you, make you cookies, square dance with you, leave notes on your phone, and let you watch loud movies on their TV.

It's in those friends--the ones that radiate the joy of the Lord--where you truly see that God has blessed you.

I saw a flash of sunlight in a smile.

And then I remembered what kind of friend I want to be.

Making Sense of Things (special appearance by Moses!)

1 Corinthians 1:27

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

I dig this verse.

I actually laughed out loud (lol'd) for real when I first read it.

It makes a lot of sense when we look at pieces of the Old Testament...

GOD: Hey Moses, take this big ol staff.

MOSES: Cool! Do I get to whack people with it??

GOD: No...but if you hold it up in the air all day, Joshua will win the battle against the Amalekites.

MOSES: ...Um, ok. I guess I'll just go...and hold it in the air...all day long...

GOD: Cool. Have fun! Oh, and bring Aaron and Hur with you, just in case, y'know, your arms get tired or anything.

(Loosely paraphrased from Exodus 17)

How silly must Moses have looked? Standing at the top of a hill, holding a staff above his head?

...But it worked.

Looking back at that verse from Corinthians: "God uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise."

This is so we don't get big heads folks.

God could've swept down and smited (smote? smoted? whatever.) all of the Amalekites in one bolt of lightning.

Why didn't He do that? I mean, people would have been like "Whoa! God!" But He didn't. He told some guy with a speech impediment to stand on a hill holding a big stick above his head all day.

This is to show HIS power. His undeniable power.

If God always used things people think are "wise" or "cool" (which He does I'm sure), then we could always rationalize it away.

We could use OUR intellect to make sense of it.

The lightning was just a coincidence. It's Colorado. There's always weird weather here anyway.

Sometimes, God's not about making sense.

He's about being God.

Using silly things to win battles. (He can do that, since He's God and all.)

So, don't be surprised if it seems like God is doing foolish things in your life. If He starts using unexpected things to prove Himself to you.

He's just doing His thing.

And reminding you that you don't have all the answers.

But He does.