Transitions

Well, I haven't posted in a while...life has been very busy.

Things are changing, friends, and I feel like I've been through the spin cycle on a washing machine.

It's been hitting me that my childhood years are coming to a close, which is a silly thing to think now, I know.
"I'm 20 years old, I haven't been a kid for a while right?"

Well, it's a funny thing...because truly the only life I have known is one where I was young.

I was born young (weren't we all), I grew up young, made decisions young...I have only lived life as a young person.

I'm not quite so young anymore, and it amazes me that I'm aware of that.

It's like I can see from an outside perspective that my life is changing.

I'm hitting forks in the road like a car in the parking lot of an exploded Italian restaurant.

Friends are getting married, I'm halfway through my time at college, I have a real (really wonderful) relationship, I'm already thinking about a place to live after school, a future career...

A life that is not so "young" anymore.

It scares the living lightbulbs out of me, and I've had a really rough time surrendering my childhood.

But now, I think it's time to move on.

Sometimes we all want to be Peter Pan; stay trapped in a life where there is no need to grow old. However, I always felt the slightest bit sorry for those lost boys...they may fight pirates and swim with mermaids, but they will always miss the biggest adventure of all...living life.

This is my new adventure: to live a full and abundant life, rich with experiences and memories that will never go away, no matter how old I get.

May I always remember my childhood, but not live it. May I learn and grow from it, and no matter what, may I always view life with the same energy and passion that I do now. May that be my "youth" that survives in this journey.

And may my Savior be there every step of the way.

To infinity and beyond!!

Logically Emotional, Isn't That Right?

I had a wonderful evening.

Just about laughed my insides out at dinner with friends, played games for an awesome gal's birthday, and then just relaxed in God's word.

I also had the opportunity to share my "story" so to speak, with someone I already trust. I haven't known them that long, but I just trust them. We talked for hours, and I had prayed earlier about how much to share or how open I should be, but I feel that everything that was said was said at the right time. My story is safe in their hands.

I also had my first lesson in how to dance. (Or how to follow at least. This was my favorite part of today). Hopefully, there will be more lessons!

This person, though nameless for now, will probably never understand how deeply touched I was by their listening ear tonight, and for the spiritual companionship I needed right at that moment.

I know there are many winds blowing me toward paths that twist out of sight, but I also know that God will never fail to provide for my needs in so many more ways than I can imagine.

I pray for many more rich evenings in this beautiful place.

Sparks

Life is beautiful here.

Even on the days when it seems like it's a bad day...there are people here who lift me up. Encourage me. People who are talented at simply being my friend.

I'm in love.

With the kind of beauty that intoxicates my unmade memories already, before I've even had the chance to introduce myself.

This place, these people, this experience I'm living in...There is not one moment when I feel lacking in something.

I am always challenged here.

I am always called to be a better person here.

I'm surrounded by people, and in some of them I can see an absolutely stunning reflection of their souls.

I am always busy with something, be it work or socializing.

I'm doing all these things, and I can feel my spirit breathing more freely (even at 8,000 ft), for one reason.

I did something terrifying.

And my life is changed forever.

Three.

So.

I’ve been looking back at my past relationships recently. I’m not entirely sure why, but I feel like it’s a process that God is leading me through.

I know for a fact that every guy I have dated God placed in my life for a REASON in order to teach me something.

Now, I’m not saying that this is an excuse to serial date. Hecks no.

I’ve always felt a little bit conflicted when I looked back on those relationships wondering to myself: “Why would I feel like it was the right thing to date them at the time, if the relationships were only going to fail? Why did God lead me through heartbreak if it was avoidable?”

Ah, perhaps the heartbreak was avoidable.

But then…the guitar hero fests would have been avoidable. As would the first kiss under the stars. Feeling invited into a family. Having someone stick with you for more than a week. Falling in the closest thing to love there is…I would never have discovered what my struggles were, I would have never learned how to stand up for myself, I would never have had to confront my sins head on…I had to turn to God when I it all crashed down and I couldn’t breathe. I had to turn to find out who should truly be on the pedestal.

I had to learn to let go.

The music would have been avoidable too. I would have never learned how to see rain dancing in my own eyes. I would have never learned that I am cherishable…that I am beautiful. I would have never shared my poetry…I would have never seen that it is possible to pursue God first while still caring about someone else. You don’t have to compromise your faith to fall in the closest thing to love. I wouldn’t give one night walking in the rain, one night looking at the city lights, one moment listening to his guitar, one ungiven kiss, to avoid the end of it all. And then I learned that sometimes, God leads them elsewhere. And when you work for months just trying to resolve in your mind why it ended…you just need to step back.

I had to learn to let go.

Maybe I could have avoided the sarcasm, the bitterness left behind by my last relationship. It stings in my veins when I see his joy crumbling…and I cannot fix it. I had to learn that, above all. I cannot fix everyone. They are not mine to fix.Yes, I could have loved him…but I still feel like it was the right thing to step back. It crushed me, but I trust that it was for the best. I see immense potential in him that he tries to hide from even himself. He treated me well, he respectedme and my wishes above all else. I learned that it’s all right to laugh in a relationship. It’s all right to not take yourself too seriously. I learned that it doesn’t matter what other people think. I learned that there are some things I will never understand about people, and that the guy I’m with does not have a responsibility to fix me. And I would not go back in time to stop myself from being with him. He loved what I loved…He inspired me to do the things I love, and I enjoyed planning moments for us to share. I learned that a relationship is not about two extremely different people trying to connect, but about two people who don’t have to work to connect. It just…happens. I wish I could explain to him that he didn’t do anything wrong, but again…

I had to learn to let go.

I still respect all of these men, though some have treated me better after it ended than others…And to be honest, I’ve stopped asking God why He led me through the heartbreak of these relationships. I can see why.

I’ve become a better person because of them, and these guys will always have a special part of my heart that they get to keep. They will each marry some stunning girl in the future, and I will call her lucky. Because they will love her more than they ever loved me, and I was given a glimpse of the softest parts of their hearts.

And ladies, the hearts of those men are precious.

Now I feel like God is telling me to stop dating, which is difficult because I occasionally see random guys and think that maybe, I can make my future happen sooner.

I know that there is one guy...one man out there who was created to love me. I'm not dating, I'm waiting. I'm living as God calls me, and I know that when the two of us meet, it will just...be.

But, as always, I’m being taught to let go.

And I am joyful.

Mentally Rearranging

So I've had to do some mental rearranging the past few days.

It's like exercise...gotta constantly be working at it. Focusing on the right thing, giving it up to God, Letting it go...it takes some work at first!

Good thing: it gets easier.

Once upon a time I had a crush on a boy, and then I found out he liked one of my best friends.

Shoot! I was jealous and sad...double whammy rejection. (I wonder if God let it come back to bite me so I could see how it feels when it's reflected back on me).

I tried to ignore it, laugh it away. Then yesterday it hit me really hard...and I realized that I had to face it head-on.

So I turned it over in my mind, waited for her to say something, felt lonely and frustrated, and took a nap.

Then I woke up, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was making a big deal out of it.

(Girl codes are crazy)

So I moved around the furniture in my brain. Man, those couches were heavy.

But it was the right first step to letting it go.

Then I had an epiphany last night.

I'm fiercely protective of this girl and I don't want her to get hurt, and I thought to myself: "Wait a second, how could I not approve of her going out with a guy that I had seen so many good traits in?"

Frankly, I'm not sure I would let her go out with anyone less.

I liked him so much, and I realized that all of those attractive things I had seen would be focused on her...if anything were to happen, I know he would be kind to her.

It's an odd thought I know...breaks all girl codes.

So now all my mental furniture is moved around, though there are still a few odds-and-ends that could be switched on the mantle.

And I'm tired.

I've still gotta enjoy being single, and I know that whoever God has for me out there will be super awesome.

And maybe I'll be the one that catches his eye.

Well...Now What?

I actually couldn't finish a poem on the first try tonight...

I just can't make all the words say what I mean; it's not coming out entirely the way I want it to.

I guess my feelings are more difficult to process than I think they are...

Lord, guard my heart.

Twitterpated

Ah, Spring.

The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing, the girls at CCU are man-hunting...'tis the season.

I've always thought that Valentine's Day should be closer to springtime.

Today I thought I'd take it upon myself to describe Springtime giddyness in a few carefully chosen words:

It's like...

Butterfly kisses on the breeze that tickle the back of your neck.

Tender bubbles that flip around in your tummy when you see that "someone."

The aroma of lilacs and apple blossoms.

Smiling for no reason, or just because the sun is shining.

A gentle melody that gets stuck in your head, and you don't quite mind.

Blushing cheeks and flower petals.

Green sunlight that plays hide-and-seek with your freckles.

Burying your face into a bouquet of sweet memories.

Capturing new moments like firefly sparks.

I love spring.

I always forget how wonderful it is...and this spring has been, somehow, extra twitterful.

Somebody get me flowers before I make a silly fool of myself.