Cupid in Camouflage

I’ll go husband hunting in the fall,

Once the lawn has got too tall.

Sure, I am happy here alone,

But so’s the grass…it’s grown and grown!

I need a man to mow it down,

I’ll get me one who’ll stick aroun’.

Yes, I’ll go hunting in the fall,

Then I won’t have any worries t’all!

“This will fix me.”

I understand what you mean…That sigh of relief when you get the medication you need when you are sick. That rush of excitement when you see the person who interests you. That extra-credit assignment that brings your grade up to a B. Right?

“This will fix me…this will fix me…”

It will help you in certain areas, yes. But what about the overall you?

“I’ll find other things to fix those areas…I will be better then.”

What if those other things don’t work?

“They will…they will…”

What if you are unfixable?

“You’re dumb. Of course I can be fixed. Jerk.”

No, I didn’t mean you’re a hopeless cause. Just…what if you’re not supposed to be fixed?

“What AM I supposed to be, then?”

Well…

“Because whatever it is, I’m sure not it right now.”

Listen, what if you’re not supposed to be fixed.

“Then why should I even try anymore…gee thanks.”

What if…What if you’re supposed to be redeemed?

“That’s the same thing as fixed.”

Well, yes and no. You will be WELL, but you won’t be perfect. Being redeemed doesn’t erase who you are, but it gives you hope.

“I wouldn’t need hope if I was fixed.”

But redemption gives you hope AND joy…and life. What would it be like to live, still imperfect, but completely and utterly covered? Not just…’fixed.’

“You make it sound like an insurance plan.”

Haha, that’s true. But really…what if it’s not about being ‘fixed’ at all? What if it’s about something richer, deeper…being redeemed?

“That sounds hard. I can control whether I’m fixed or not.”

But what if you can’t fix everything? What if you can’t fix the pain, the loneliness, the hurt? What if you simply CAN’T do it? What if everything you try eventually fails. Friendships fail…Families fall apart…self-will dries up…drugs suck your life away…what if we can’t fix it. What if we can’t…

What if…what if we are unfixable?

…What if redemption is our only hope?

An Emotional Trip to the Dentist

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." -C.S. Lewis

I've made really hard decisions in my life.

I've also avoided making really hard decisions in my life, because I'm afraid they will hurt...

I've put myself down, locked myself up, denied myself adventures because they are outside the "comfortable."

I've stayed in relationships and friendships with people because I was afraid of the hurt that would come if I tried to take a step back, even though I knew they weren't healthy to be around.

I've "gone along" with things because I was afraid saying "No" would mean the same as saying "Hurt and reject me."

I've been terrified of life and death--because I've been terrified of pain.

This is not a healthy fear. Y'know, some fears can be healthy and protect you--like being afraid of a wildly rushing river can help you not drown--but some can really just be paralyzing.

I remember a few years back, when I was making the transition to college and had to completely rebuild my life. Relationships, friendships, decisions, mindsets, all of it. I honestly didn't think I could do it...I was afraid to be healthy because I didn't want to hurt (myself and others).

Then one day I got tired of living in fear...so I took a baby step to change. It hurt like Ech-Ee-double hockey sticks when I was walking through it, I'll be honest. But then, things were better.

It amazed me! Really, it still amazes me. Simply stepping out of that fear of pain and being willing to RISK the hurt for a better outcome...folks, it works.

Especially if you have God at your side.

It's taken a few years, but I've banished most of that fear of pain to the desert of "I Don't Have to Be Afraid." Life is so much more...free! Lovely, brilliant, beautiful, spontaneous.

Pain will happen, yes. But we DON'T have to anticipate it!

If you think that pain is going to jump out and bite you every five minutes, you'll be waiting for it. You may even be whistling for it to come running at you...because that's simply what you expect it to do. (I've been there). Then, when you do get hurt you say "Oh, I knew that was going to happen. I always get hurt."

We all get hurt. That's true. But as I've been learning, we cannot let the fear of pain control our lives. YOU have the option to let it paralyze you, or to make decisions to move forward EVEN IF it involves confronting pain teeth-on.

And it helps to have faith there to help you through.

"There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love." -1 John 4:18 (The Message)

Transitions

Well, I haven't posted in a while...life has been very busy.

Things are changing, friends, and I feel like I've been through the spin cycle on a washing machine.

It's been hitting me that my childhood years are coming to a close, which is a silly thing to think now, I know.
"I'm 20 years old, I haven't been a kid for a while right?"

Well, it's a funny thing...because truly the only life I have known is one where I was young.

I was born young (weren't we all), I grew up young, made decisions young...I have only lived life as a young person.

I'm not quite so young anymore, and it amazes me that I'm aware of that.

It's like I can see from an outside perspective that my life is changing.

I'm hitting forks in the road like a car in the parking lot of an exploded Italian restaurant.

Friends are getting married, I'm halfway through my time at college, I have a real (really wonderful) relationship, I'm already thinking about a place to live after school, a future career...

A life that is not so "young" anymore.

It scares the living lightbulbs out of me, and I've had a really rough time surrendering my childhood.

But now, I think it's time to move on.

Sometimes we all want to be Peter Pan; stay trapped in a life where there is no need to grow old. However, I always felt the slightest bit sorry for those lost boys...they may fight pirates and swim with mermaids, but they will always miss the biggest adventure of all...living life.

This is my new adventure: to live a full and abundant life, rich with experiences and memories that will never go away, no matter how old I get.

May I always remember my childhood, but not live it. May I learn and grow from it, and no matter what, may I always view life with the same energy and passion that I do now. May that be my "youth" that survives in this journey.

And may my Savior be there every step of the way.

To infinity and beyond!!

Logically Emotional, Isn't That Right?

I had a wonderful evening.

Just about laughed my insides out at dinner with friends, played games for an awesome gal's birthday, and then just relaxed in God's word.

I also had the opportunity to share my "story" so to speak, with someone I already trust. I haven't known them that long, but I just trust them. We talked for hours, and I had prayed earlier about how much to share or how open I should be, but I feel that everything that was said was said at the right time. My story is safe in their hands.

I also had my first lesson in how to dance. (Or how to follow at least. This was my favorite part of today). Hopefully, there will be more lessons!

This person, though nameless for now, will probably never understand how deeply touched I was by their listening ear tonight, and for the spiritual companionship I needed right at that moment.

I know there are many winds blowing me toward paths that twist out of sight, but I also know that God will never fail to provide for my needs in so many more ways than I can imagine.

I pray for many more rich evenings in this beautiful place.

Sparks

Life is beautiful here.

Even on the days when it seems like it's a bad day...there are people here who lift me up. Encourage me. People who are talented at simply being my friend.

I'm in love.

With the kind of beauty that intoxicates my unmade memories already, before I've even had the chance to introduce myself.

This place, these people, this experience I'm living in...There is not one moment when I feel lacking in something.

I am always challenged here.

I am always called to be a better person here.

I'm surrounded by people, and in some of them I can see an absolutely stunning reflection of their souls.

I am always busy with something, be it work or socializing.

I'm doing all these things, and I can feel my spirit breathing more freely (even at 8,000 ft), for one reason.

I did something terrifying.

And my life is changed forever.

Three.

So.

I’ve been looking back at my past relationships recently. I’m not entirely sure why, but I feel like it’s a process that God is leading me through.

I know for a fact that every guy I have dated God placed in my life for a REASON in order to teach me something.

Now, I’m not saying that this is an excuse to serial date. Hecks no.

I’ve always felt a little bit conflicted when I looked back on those relationships wondering to myself: “Why would I feel like it was the right thing to date them at the time, if the relationships were only going to fail? Why did God lead me through heartbreak if it was avoidable?”

Ah, perhaps the heartbreak was avoidable.

But then…the guitar hero fests would have been avoidable. As would the first kiss under the stars. Feeling invited into a family. Having someone stick with you for more than a week. Falling in the closest thing to love there is…I would never have discovered what my struggles were, I would have never learned how to stand up for myself, I would never have had to confront my sins head on…I had to turn to God when I it all crashed down and I couldn’t breathe. I had to turn to find out who should truly be on the pedestal.

I had to learn to let go.

The music would have been avoidable too. I would have never learned how to see rain dancing in my own eyes. I would have never learned that I am cherishable…that I am beautiful. I would have never shared my poetry…I would have never seen that it is possible to pursue God first while still caring about someone else. You don’t have to compromise your faith to fall in the closest thing to love. I wouldn’t give one night walking in the rain, one night looking at the city lights, one moment listening to his guitar, one ungiven kiss, to avoid the end of it all. And then I learned that sometimes, God leads them elsewhere. And when you work for months just trying to resolve in your mind why it ended…you just need to step back.

I had to learn to let go.

Maybe I could have avoided the sarcasm, the bitterness left behind by my last relationship. It stings in my veins when I see his joy crumbling…and I cannot fix it. I had to learn that, above all. I cannot fix everyone. They are not mine to fix.Yes, I could have loved him…but I still feel like it was the right thing to step back. It crushed me, but I trust that it was for the best. I see immense potential in him that he tries to hide from even himself. He treated me well, he respectedme and my wishes above all else. I learned that it’s all right to laugh in a relationship. It’s all right to not take yourself too seriously. I learned that it doesn’t matter what other people think. I learned that there are some things I will never understand about people, and that the guy I’m with does not have a responsibility to fix me. And I would not go back in time to stop myself from being with him. He loved what I loved…He inspired me to do the things I love, and I enjoyed planning moments for us to share. I learned that a relationship is not about two extremely different people trying to connect, but about two people who don’t have to work to connect. It just…happens. I wish I could explain to him that he didn’t do anything wrong, but again…

I had to learn to let go.

I still respect all of these men, though some have treated me better after it ended than others…And to be honest, I’ve stopped asking God why He led me through the heartbreak of these relationships. I can see why.

I’ve become a better person because of them, and these guys will always have a special part of my heart that they get to keep. They will each marry some stunning girl in the future, and I will call her lucky. Because they will love her more than they ever loved me, and I was given a glimpse of the softest parts of their hearts.

And ladies, the hearts of those men are precious.

Now I feel like God is telling me to stop dating, which is difficult because I occasionally see random guys and think that maybe, I can make my future happen sooner.

I know that there is one guy...one man out there who was created to love me. I'm not dating, I'm waiting. I'm living as God calls me, and I know that when the two of us meet, it will just...be.

But, as always, I’m being taught to let go.

And I am joyful.